Rehan S. Alvi - Student
Rehan is the only person in his family who likes asparagus. Seeking the "ultimate asparagus", he relocated to Pakistan, and now spends most his days running A. Officinalis concentrate through mass spectrometers, trying to elucidate the precise mass/flavor ratio of Pakistan's tasty treat.

Jess Liu - Student
Jess is renowned for her ability to produce melodic Haiku poems. Recently back from the World Haiku Competition, held every year in Norway, Jess took home no less than 7 medals, one of which for the Highest Haiku Harmonic. Way to go, Jess!

Greg Stratmann, MD PhD - Primary Investigator
Dr. Stratmann is the mastermind behind this lab .....and, well, much of the world as we know it.
You know the European Union (EU)? .....there wasn't a smidgen of "unity" until Greg got there.
Ever heard of Microsoft? .....Gates didn't even know how to code before Greg.
Do you like toasters? .....Before Greg, people everywhere were roasting the crap out of bread over open fires, which naturally resulted in greater than necessary levels of carcinogen consumption.

Joe Bell - SRA
Formerly, Joe was a janitor here at UCSF. Prompted by a malfunctioning Dustbuster™, Joe brainstormed, assembled various funnels & tubes along with copper wire, and ultimately produced the first vacuum that never loses suction. Months later, Joe sold the Patent rights to Dyson. With his newfound genius, he currently holds a full-time position in the lab, and is pioneering the way to transfer electricity, electronically.

Mitra Dowlatshahi - SRA
Mitra was an award-winning, accomplished architect until one day when she ran out of graph paper and #2 pencils. Questioning whether the use of paper and pencil was a viable means of designing megastructures in the age of computer modeling, Mitra left the architecture arena in favor of ground-breaking research. She currently has a huge affinity for Sharpies and Post-it pads. Old habits die hard.

Michael Lee - Volunteer
You could say that Mike Lee used to be a masterful painter. I mean, insofar as it's permissible to spout inane crap, you would definitely then be in a position to say he painted. Liar. Idiot too.

Ran Dai - Volunteer
Ran used to be an undercover cop, but accidentally showed up to work one day in his old blue uniform. Blowing his own cover, he left police work for benchwork. Ran sometimes acts as security guard at the lab, and has unsuccessfully tried several times to citizen's arrest Dr. Stratmann.

Laura May - Volunteer
Laura could have been an olympic skater, but her allergic reaction to ice made it dificult to advance her skills. She's now trying to make her way as a professional B.A.S.E. jumper, but her fear of parachutes makes it tough.